We the Dreamers chase forever; so at least in that, we'll be together

---

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 09:32:47 GMT

"Do you want me to be like you? Or do you want me to be totally honest?"
"Are you saying I'm a liar?"
"I'm saying you're an optimist. Same thing really."

I'm so cold, I burn

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 07:48:50 GMT

Hard to decide which one is my favourite Krammy quote. I'm between:

"WHAT? I'm so excited because I haven't seen you so long and I datang all this way and jadi your bloody chauffeur and you're like 'oh it's okay, I can just stay home.'You are such a BITCH, Sharon."

"Now you're just layan-ing me with monosyllabic answers; mm, ah, I see..."
"I see isn't monosyllabic."
"Well, I and the letter C. I...C"

"You have to be mean with me, Sharon. Or else it sounds like I'm just being mean. You need to be mean so I sound less mean."

"What's colder than Ice? Dry Ice. What's colder than Dry Ice? Liquid Nitrogen. What's colder than Liquid Nitrogen? Sharon! You're so cold you BURN."

I also, apparently, do not deal with the issues. But surfacing from my depths for lunch just made me realize that the future I see for myself is a blank. There is no "I see myself here in such and such years" or "I want to do this." For the "So what are you going to do?" question, I have no definite answer. "What I have to do", "What I need to do", "Whatever."

I think I had a clear idea the same time last year. But this year, I haven't a slightest clue.

I'm nearly old, I'm almost young, or so I'm told

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 08:40:23 GMT

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

One of the most compelling things about the end of the year is the sudden urge for self-reflection. What has this year been? What have I achieved this year? Did I struggle to achieve anything? etc. In another two weeks, we'd be ringing in the new year. 2010. Which leads to the what do I hope for? What do I want to be? But that isn't important right now.

2009 has been...I would say enlightening but I'm not particularly fond of the optimism it carries. I will say different. Different because of all the changes. Changes to environment. Changes to people. Changes in self. Just changes that I found increasingly difficult to handle. Like everything and everyone that could go wrong all decided to at the same time. They say bad things come in threes. Maybe for every three bad things, one good thing happens. And I have done things for reasons I am not proud of. But I'll say something I say to other people. "Find the will.'

And people have become less important. Just as I have become less important. For the demands of friendship are too high. I know that nothing was ever intended to happen the way it did. But sometimes, intent isn't everything and it does not cushion the impact. Dealing with losses has always been difficult. Even more so this year. For things keep resurfacing just when I try to move on.

Perhaps for this year, all I can say is that I've become more reserved. This year I've closed myself off from everyone and I can say that I've stopped trying for them. I've stopped trying for people. If anything at all, I am not stronger this year. Neither brighter nor hopeful. This year I gave up on everything.

other people

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:53:36 GMT

You look at me, now, like this and think “This is who they were all along.”
But this is just who I am to other people. And you became other people.

The Strangers Were Lovers

For once in my life, I won't let sorrow hurt me

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 05:42:23 GMT

For once in my life
I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once I've got someone
I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore
For once I can say
This is mine, you can't take it
As long as I've got love
I knowI can make it

I made pancakes today. And there's something comforting about pancakes. they're soft, fluffy, sweet, versatile and ridiculously easy to make. Also kicks out all dessert cravings.

'It's Sunday! It's pancakes day!"

Wish I had a river I could skate away on

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:12:23 GMT

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt my heart to stone

Looking back, I don't think I like the person I was prior to today. I don't like the person that I am today either. But I'm less inclined towards hatred to this version of me. It's interesting because I know I was happier then. If happier means ignorant. If happier is all those things they say it is. I know I was optimistic. What I'm trying to figure out is when I stopped being optimistic. The exact moment when everything turned and I stopped believing in pixie dust.

pretty little trinkets

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:34:39 GMT

It's all in the packaging really. How it's wrapped. With or without the corny plastic ribbon. Perhaps with shiny wrapping paper or just string around a box. But most things if not everything, depends on presentation. First impressions. Observation. Call it a preview if you must, but I dispute for an extensive one. The minute you look at something and someone, is the minute you form an opinion, a judgment. Whether or not you choose to.

And at the end of it all, you take the package that suits you best. The one you chose. Just because it came down to which one looked better. For if all that is solid melts into air, then all you are left with is the empty box. At least, it's pretty.

Walking away empty, Love is a crazy dream

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:18:15 GMT

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:
1. I'm tired of our pretences. We don't want this.
2. I hope that you and her will constantly be happy and that drama will only make it better.
3. I wish I could not talk to you anymore.
4. I love what we have. And I hope it will last.
5. It's probably nothing but you know, it still scares me.
6. You're important to me.
7. I wish you'd stop asking to see me when I don't even understand why.
8. I like you better when you listen and think.
9. Sometimes, you're such a selfish bitch.
10. If you see me, please ignore me.

Nine Things About Myself:
1.I'm selfish as hell.
2. When I get stressed, I eat. When I get upset, I sleep it off.
3. I observe people and analyze their character in a somewhat stalker obsessive manner.
4. I think people are getting too worked up about 'labels'. You are what you are.
5. I can only be close to one person at a time. And my heart suffers as a result of it.
6. I cannot stand many sparkly, idealistic, optimistic people. I need to be in the right mood for it.
7. I probably have social phobia.
8. There's this five day mechanism ingrained into me that checks me back into reality.
9. I don't really open up to people. But when I do, I throw myself heartfirst into it.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart:
1. Cake. No fluffy stuff. The Dense stuff with thick icing/frosting. Not cream. or ice cream.
2. Reassure me. I'm a very insecure person and I think about it constantly.
3. Listen to my crap and it changes nothing.
4. Try to understand me. As complicated and contradictory I may be.
5. Just tell me you love me.
6. Tell me about your life. I like the mystery of people's lives.
7. Be the person I'm able to tell anything to, even if it is silly and ridiculous like conquering the world.
8. Be on my side. Don't hurt me. Don't lie to me. Don't betray my trust.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. Food.
2. I don't believe I'll ever find happiness. But that's okay.
3. Bloody sparkly people. Stab
4. I miss you
5. This quiet. It's nice. I wish it would last.
6. Sigh.
7. I don't want this.

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Listen to music.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Last round of blog readings
4. Ask God to keep me and my family.
5. Think of a song/ a movie/ a book/ a person.
6. Inhale the smell of the blankets.

Five People Who Mean a Lot
1. I shall not answer this because it will lead to complications
2.
3.
4.
5.

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1. An old Finding Nemo T-shirt
2. Light gray shorts
3. Glasses
4. Rubber band

Three Songs That I Listen to Often (Currently):
1. Nothing
2. Specific
3. Really

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. Make sure my future children are well brought up, well educated, level-headed and grow up to be the children I raised them to be.
2. Find my footing.

One Confession:
I'm scared to death at meeting new people. So scared I feel like curling up and crying it all away. Most of the time.

sitting here waiting, at times debating

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:20:35 GMT

she said

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:30:29 GMT

Well, you know, it's okay. We're used to people not being there.

when we're gone

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:40:08 GMT

You were a child who was made of glass.
You carried a black heart passed down from your dad.
If somebody loved you, they'd tell you by now;
We all turn away when you're down.

You want to go back to where you felt safe,
To hear your brother's laughter,
See your mother's face.
Your childhood home is just powder-white bones
And you'll never find your way back.

And when you're gone, will they say your name?
And when you're gone, will they love you the same?
If not, that's okay.
If not, that's okay.

You are broken and callow,
Cautious and safe;
You are boundless in beauty
With fright in your face.
Until someone loves you,
I'll keep you safe,
But like them, I will give you away.

And when you're gone, will they say your name?
And when you're gone, will they love you the same?
If not, that's okay.

And when you're gone, will they say your name?
And when you're gone, will they love you the same?
Oh, when you're gone, we won't say a word.
But you know that's okay.
Don't you know that's okay?

That's Okay // The Hush Sound

hearts will roll

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:52:05 GMT

Being home feels like I never left. Like I had managed to turn back time to when it wasn't awkward and full of dread.
Being home feels like I never want to leave. Like I've found a certain sense of peace that was never really lost to begin with.
Being home feels like I'm a completely different person. Like I was living someone else's life all along, only I knew I was the same someone.
Being home feels more idealistic. Like nothing could go wrong, nothing would go wrong.
Being home feels free. Like I'm not conforming to anyone's standards anymore.

Being home. Just being.

Home.

I love her.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:26:41 GMT

Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.
Summer: No I'm Sid.

I'm all yours

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:02:06 GMT

Don't be shy. You can take another piece of me. Everyone else already has.
Until there's nothing left. Until I disappear

The Orderly Queue

drained

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:23:32 GMT

Any idiot can face a crisis; it's day to day living that wears you out

Anton Chekhov

I'm feeling quirky romantic nowadays

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:01:02 GMT

should I be worried that Paris has vampires? granted vampires only attack people with unnatural paint-like blood.
I seriously adore Joseph Gordon-Levitt though :)

this is one of those

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:44:57 GMT

empty thoughtless posts that usually involves rants or complaints or random mentions of uni work stemming from nocturnal behaviour. Hi there.

See, I think I want to get a start on my book review, only I can't remember anything about the book which I read, a good six? weeks ago. And I tell myself, I have nothing better to do at 3.35 am and yet I don't want to do that. and that's really picky :/ On the plus side, I tell myself I've finished three essays in three weeks, so that's a good thing, A GOOD thing. But also has taken a toll on my sleeping, eating and overall brain function. I basically emptied half my suitcase today that go into the 'things I wanna bring back' pile. Half. goes to show how little I know myself. And how meh australia makes me feel about wearing clothes. that sounds really wrong. but yeah. How is it still warm when there's rain? I fail to understand australia logic. I think everything needs to die again. No more spring. No more sun. No more sparkly people. Also summarizing people's summarized points? yeah. okay. I'm kinda in a :D-ish mood lately. I think it's because assignments are finishing and I only have two more weeks to home. Not so :D about remembering to pay rent and bills when back home. I'm pretty sure I'll forget because I adopt a different mindset back home :/ well, different-ish. I think though that the going home high will actually fade a good month into actually being at home when there's nothing to watch on TV and I may be so bored that I'd go and watch that crappy excuse for a vampire movie where they use white makeup and lots of eyeliner and everyone is cold and stiff except it's okay because that means they're all emo and cool and D: i don't know. I have like ten movies that I've downloaded and haven't watched because I feel like it when i download but not when I actually finish downloading.I want to watch the time traveller's wife, but no one will watch it with me. and I don't want to be in a cinema with all the sappy couples. I don't want to watch Jennifer's Body because I don't think Megan Fox is hot and she eats people in that one. It's too wtf.

Something happy today

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:00:42 GMT

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

All I want is you // Barry Louis Polisar

my mom loves this song :)

I could use some home tonight

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:36:36 GMT

Home in two weeks, is the prettiest little picture I will ever see for this year. the hum of the air conditioner. The cold marble floor in the morning. Condensation on my windows. two fluffy balls of cotton running around and sniffing. the lazy mid-morning breeze creeping in through open windows. the lack of motor vehicles. fluffy pillows. the correct smell of clean bedsheets.

If we'd just sit down and yell it out. Maybe we'd have less problems today.

even if your faith is broken

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:03:25 GMT

things just break sometimes.

relationships. promises. friendships. eternity. hearts. trust. faith. hope. them. you. me.

Finding time to lose with you is water in a dust bowl

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:39:52 GMT

Krammy says I'm turning nice. I blame it on complacency. Lack of practice/target and complacency. Maybe I just don't give a shit :/

This isn't a game

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:28:38 GMT

Days crawl by, dragging its weary feet across the ground, blood trailing, seeping into the hard gravel, staining it deep dull crimson, as if in silent protest. No reason to move but he moves anyway, slowly but within pace, because he cannot stand still or he will drown in the torrents of Suffocation below.

And I'm tired of playing. Kidding myself that things are the way they were. They're exactly as they should be, would be, could be. Nothing more. No, I'm not in the mood. Go sparkle somewhere else.

They scare me

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:55:01 GMT

They bounce in and out of your vision. You're not quite sure where to move. You're not likely to avoid them if you have no coordination and slow reflexes as mellow people usually do. You can't predict when they're coming and whether they're gonna tap you or smack you in between the eyebrows. You're almost afraid to catch because you may miss and it may hurt whether you do or do not miss. They fly a little too fast sometimes and hit places that are a little uncomfortable. You kinda see it coming but at the same time, you don't. People scare me.

Tell me no words

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 11:27:46 GMT

You say love, I say character. You spout the tragic lines, the familiar words, wounded and broken, grasping at notions of passion or what you think is passion. But love is silent. It requires no artificial phrases, no massive declarations, no honey letters or perfect poetry. They are nice to hear, a lilting melody to the ears, lingering for the insecure. The presence of security and being at peace, I think that's more love than 'I love you'.

I swear she's awesomme

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 11:11:06 GMT